Just as air or water can be toxic, people can often really poison the atmosphere around them. They spread a negative mood around them and definitely don’t have your best interests at heart. From time to time, anyone can create an unpleasant atmosphere if they’re not in the mood for it for whatever reason. But some people have toxicity, as they say, in their very bones. Their behavior is often motivated by bad intentions. How can you reliably spot such toxic people? They’ll likely meet at least a few of the following criteria.
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It’s like a roller coaster with them. One day they’re nice and don’t know what they’d do without you. The next day, for no apparent reason, they withdraw, acting irritable, sad, cold, with an unspoken reproach. But when you ask them what’s wrong, you’ll get the answer “Nothing.” accompanied by a sigh, a raised eyebrow, or a sidelong glance. This doesn’t leave a sensitive person indifferent, and they try to help their downcast counterpart, making excuses for their strange behavior and, above all, start looking for the fault in themselves. And that’s exactly what the toxic person wants. They simply take advantage of your kindness and drain your energy, but give nothing back. If you’re actually the one responsible for their bad mood, everything can be talked out, and an apology can be offered. But if you’re in a situation where you can only guess what the other person is thinking, in that case it’s better to walk away and come back once they’re in a better mood.
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They manipulate you. You feel like you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, but the other person never misses an opportunity to signal that you owe them something. They hurt you, yet at the same time frame it as “help.” After all, they’re doing it for your own good, and you don’t appreciate it at all. They also often ask seemingly neutral questions in a tone that actually amounts to an attack. A sentence like: “What did you do today?” can be perceived as a pleasant conversation, but also as a reproach, which might be followed by: “I bet nothing. As usual…” or “I bet your day was better than mine. I had a terrible time, and you don’t even ask…”. If an argument arises from such an “innocently” intended question, you can be sure that at the height of the tension, they’ll say: “But I was just asking what you did today!”. This puts you at a disadvantage.
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Their feelings are yours. This is a form of projection. If they’re angry, they can avoid taking responsibility for that emotion by accusing you of being negative. You’ll likely be taken aback because you don’t feel that way at all. You’ll start to defend yourself and make excuses, and eventually you might actually get angry, because it’s an uneven battle and you’re getting caught up in the conflict. That’s why it’s important to recognize which emotions are yours and which belong to the other person. Only then will you be prepared to stop the spiral of conflict right at the start.
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Emotional blackmailers. When it comes to one of your plans, toxic people often put you in an unpleasant dilemma—either your plan or them. And they won’t hesitate to dramatize the situation considerably and indirectly force you to choose the latter. They’re simply capable of waiting for the right moment to use emotional blackmail. A typical line is “If you really cared about me, you’d rather be with me tonight than with your friends.” It doesn’t matter whether you see your friends once a week or once a year. A toxic person doesn’t care at all.
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They’ll ruin every moment of your joy. No matter how wonderful the news you share with them is, don’t expect them to let you enjoy it for long. They’ll find fault with everything, and you can be sure they won’t fail to “rub it in” your face. Did you get a promotion at work? Well, yes, but so much work for that kind of money—it’s not even worth it… This is how they try to bring you down to their own level. If you’re happy with yourself, you don’t need anyone’s approval.
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They tend to exaggerate. “You never help me… You’re always rude to me.” Toxic people like to distort and dramatize situations just to provoke you into a full-blown conflict. Yet, logically, such accusations can’t be true in most cases. In such situations, it’s not worth getting drawn into a conflict. It’s better to end the conversation right away or walk away.
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They are self-appointed judges. They patiently wait for you to make a mistake and immediately call you out on it. It doesn’t even have to be a mistake—it’s enough that they simply disagree with your way of life. By voicing criticism or pointing out your mistakes, they deliberately undermine your self-confidence because they feel it’s higher than theirs. However, everyone makes mistakes, and as long as it doesn’t negatively affect those around you, there’s no need to immediately berate someone.
Do you recognize someone close to you, a coworker, or perhaps even yourself in the criteria mentioned above? Having toxic people around you is no picnic. It’s best to stay as far away from such people as possible. Fortunately, there are ways to successfully avoid them. And if we can’t avoid them, we can at least build up our resilience against their unhealthy influence. Sometimes it’s easy; other times, it takes a little practice and determination. Our next article will explore this topic.
Freely translated from the website https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people/{{icon|key=outbound}}
