In our previous article, we described how to safely recognize toxic behavior in the people around you. The following paragraphs focus on how to successfully defend yourself against the effects of toxicity and avoid letting it unnecessarily bother you. However, it’s not always that easy, especially if you can’t just cut that person out of your life. Often, these people are family members or coworkers. Fortunately, even in such cases, there are ways to deal with them.
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Don’t be an easy target. When someone treats you badly, what mechanism is behind your willingness to put up with it? Is it a subconscious desire to please people, or, for example, a fear of causing conflict? In situations where you encounter someone who often makes you feel uncomfortable, try to recognize the root of your feelings: Why do I feel this way? Asking yourself this question often may lead you to realize that the problem isn’t with you, but with how toxic this person is. Then it’s natural to ask yourself: Do I need this person in my life? If not, it’s best to walk away quickly. If the toxic person is someone you can’t easily cut out of your life, it’s worth asking: Do I need this person in my personal space?
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Trust your intuition. People often tend to make excuses for others’ inappropriate behavior. “I’m sure they didn’t mean any harm; I just showed up at the wrong time...” She probably didn’t realize how much her gesture hurt me—once I explain to her that it made me uncomfortable, she definitely won’t do it again. But the truth is, it will happen again. And it won’t matter at all how much it bothers you. That’s why it’s important to recognize a toxic person and stop making excuses for their behavior, let alone blaming yourself for it.
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Set boundaries. If there’s a toxic person in your life whom you can’t completely avoid (a coworker, neighbor, mother-in-law, etc.), it’s important to set clear and firm boundaries for your relationship that neither of you will cross. Hints aren’t enough. This doesn’t mean you should be rude, tactless, or accusatory. Quite the opposite. Above all, an assertive and confident attitude is important, but it doesn’t have to be conveyed in a harsh or hurtful way. In practice, such a boundary-setting in the workplace might sound like this, for example: “I don’t mind criticism that’s justified, but it’s definitely not okay for you to meddle in my family affairs.” As for the neighbor, we can say: “I understand that you want to have fun with your guests, but repeated rowdy parties lasting until the early morning hours are unacceptable.”
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Don’t be fooled. Toxic behavior often manifests itself through words. These can be very cruel and hurtful, but a toxic person will always defend themselves by saying they didn’t do anything to you, that it was just a few insignificant words. And that’s exactly where the big catch lies. If you play along with this game, there’s a good chance they’ll get away with it every time—you’ll be unhappy, and they’ll constantly hide behind phrases like “I didn’t really say that much; you’re just being oversensitive”. Toxic behavior also includes exaggeration, downplaying, telling half-truths, or deliberately distorting events and then shifting the blame: “You should have asked directly if you wanted to know that detail”, thereby taking all the power out of your hands. That’s why it’s important to carefully pay attention not only to the form but also to the content of what the other person is communicating. If they start dragging you into their games, point it out and quickly back out of the game.
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Don’t be afraid to confront them. Human toxicity manifests not only through words but often through behavior as well. This can include behaviors such as mockery or passive aggression. They are well aware of this behavior and use it intentionally. And they’ll keep doing it until you confront them. It doesn’t have to be an argument right away; often, simple phrases like these are enough: “The way you’re talking to me is upsetting me. Is your goal to make me angry?” ... “You seem bored. Do you think what I’m talking about is unimportant?” You might be surprised at how quickly they back down. And they’ll remember very well that this behavior doesn’t work on you.
Shaking off a toxic person isn’t always easy. If you decide to stand up to toxic behavior, it’s quite likely that the person in question won’t react very amicably. Quite the opposite, in fact. It’s important to realize that toxic people use their behavioral strategies with a specific goal in mind. Either they need to control others, or they want to make life miserable for others so that, by chance, they aren’t the ones suffering. There can be a whole range of motives, however, and one thing is always true: if you already have someone like this in your life and you’ve played along with their game, it won’t be easy to walk away from it. You can expect another round of manipulation, slander, or, for example, the distortion of past events, which can make you feel deeply and deliberately insecure. In any case, however, this is no reason to remain in such a relationship. A certain amount of discomfort is definitely worth the subsequent feeling of freedom.
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