In the first part of this article, we examined the mechanisms by which a manipulator uses others to achieve their goals. Manipulation usually triggers negative feelings in us—guilt, fear, and a sense of inferiority. In the heat of the moment, we’re overwhelmed by our emotions and can’t think rationally.
If we can train our brains to recognize the warning sign “watch out, manipulation!”, we’ll be able to spot a manipulator in time next time and refuse to play along with his or her game. Did you know that manipulation can also involve exaggerating our own weaknesses to avoid an unpleasant task? Read about 9 common types of manipulators and the phrases they might use. How do they make you feel?
Types of Manipulators
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The Statistician. At the heart of manipulation is the phrase “Everyone does it, except you…” Exaggeration and generalization are methods used to make the other person feel guilty and inadequate.
“All normal guys have short hair.” “All girls your age already have kids.”
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The Dictator. He strongly imposes his will by invoking tradition and authority. He may insist on meeting in a space where he has the upper hand and control—such as an office, a house, a car, or another place where he feels a sense of ownership and knows the space well (and you do not).
“I don’t care what you like or don’t like. I said you’re going to study law, just like all the men in our family.” “A proper wedding has to be in a church; otherwise, you won’t get me there.”
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Poor thing. He’d like to do something, but he lacks the strength; he plays the “fool.” He emphasizes his shortcomings and his inferiority. He pretends not to hear unpleasant tasks or simply forgets them. He pretends not to understand what’s expected of him. In a passive-aggressive way, the manipulator pressures you into taking responsibility for the task and doing it for him.
“I have absolutely no idea how we’re supposed to do this presentation, and on top of that, I have a terrible headache.” “I always break something when I wash the dishes; I’d rather not even touch them.”
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The Calculator. He always does what’s most advantageous for him. He alternates between the carrot and the stick depending on the circumstances, behaving unpredictably in the eyes of others. Flattery and gifts can be a way to make up for a past mistake and win over someone they want to continue taking advantage of.
"Tom, you’re always so good at these dictations—do you want to sit with me today?" “I can’t lend you money for the surgery right now—the kids need new skis, and anyway…”
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The Tough Guy. Some people raise their voices during discussions as a means of aggressive manipulation. The basic assumption is that if they shout loudly enough or display other negative emotions, you’ll submit to their wishes and give them what they want. To heighten the effect, an aggressive voice is often accompanied by pronounced body language, such as posture or hand gestures.
“Get out and go back where you came from—we don’t want foreigners here!” “So you were working overtime, huh? Can you all hear how my wife is cheating on me and lying to me on top of that??”
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Ivy. Emphasizes their dependence. They want others to take care of them, so they put on a helpless, defenseless act. They take advantage of the care and kindness of others.
"Please stay here—I can’t manage without you; I’d die of fear." "And what am I going to eat this weekend when you’re not here? Well, I’ll just finish off those old cookies from the cupboard."
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The Self-Sacrificer. They sacrifice themselves for others and claim they want nothing for themselves, but at the same time, they exact a toll.
"I cook for you, I iron, I do the laundry, and all you do is argue with me." "I’ll pick you up at the train station, and then you’ll make me happy by finally breaking up with him."
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The Mafioso. I am your shield and protector, but you must serve me. If you try to stand on your own two feet, I’ll wipe you out. Whoever isn’t with me is against me.
“We’ll have them on their knees soon. But don’t you dare say a word.”
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The Last Righteous One. Constant monitoring, criticism, ridicule. By making you feel bad, they gain a psychological advantage—a position of superiority. Whatever you do, it will never be good enough. Yet they offer no constructive advice, help, or solutions. In a more subtle form, criticism may be presented as humor or irony, but it “stings” just the same.
“Look at yourself. I’m not surprised you failed that exam.” “Late again. It doesn’t even surprise me anymore.” “I wouldn’t have thought that of you.” “You’ve really let me down.” “If Mom knew…”
How to Defend Against Manipulation
Since manipulation affects our emotions rather than our reason, it’s not easy to stop the “toxic” feeling it triggers in us. The first and most important step is to flip the “manipulation” switch in our minds. In such moments, let’s try to realize that the remark isn’t directed at us—it’s merely a means to the manipulator’s end. There’s no need to apologize or explain. A manipulative statement should “roll off” us. You can express that you don’t understand what the manipulator is getting at with an appropriate question (I don’t understand… what exactly do you mean by…? What specific situation do you have in mind…?). Don’t give the manipulator any hints; let them explain in detail what they meant to say. They’ll often find themselves in a tight spot.
It’s also possible to call out the manipulation openly and suggest that the conversation continue constructively, without below-the-belt attacks. However, it’s important to acknowledge your mistake if the other person’s criticism is justified and to avoid using manipulative statements yourself.
Personal integrity is the best protection against manipulation
Don’t waste time trying to defend yourself to people who don’t want to understand you. Don’t waste energy trying to please everyone. Regularly examine what you believe. When we’re unsure of our own beliefs, it’s very easy for someone else—who is certain of their convictions—to manipulate our thinking.
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