Most of us use manipulative phrases at some point without even realizing it. On the other hand, we also allow ourselves to be drawn into situations and relationships we never wanted to be in. The fundamental feeling associated with manipulation is guilt, which the manipulator instills in us. To “atone” for our guilt, we do what they want us to do. By understanding the basic mechanisms of manipulation, we can avoid getting drawn into manipulative relationships.
Inside the Mind of a Manipulator
“Only my needs and desires matter”
Some manipulative people may act as if their perspective on a situation is the only possible one because it is the most advantageous. All situations and relationships revolve around them. What others think and feel is unimportant. The manipulator is not concerned with any intrusion into their space—whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. They may calmly feed off someone who is exhausting themselves, growing weaker, and being humiliated at their expense.
The best target for manipulation is easy prey
People with low self-esteem, who easily succumb to flattery but also believe criticism, are at the greatest risk of manipulation and exploitation. They often strive to please others at any cost. They fear rejection and may experience feelings of guilt, anxiety, and fear more frequently than others. They are usually more dependent on their partners.
“You’re responsible for my happiness.”
Manipulators may want you to take responsibility for meeting their needs, leaving no room for you to fulfill your own. They know they have a good chance of drawing you into a relationship because you are a kind, sensitive, and caring person. At first, they may feed your kindness with flattery and by emphasizing what an amazing person you are. Over time, however, the praise for these qualities will dwindle. You are at the service of someone who cares only about what you can do for them.
Manipulation always attacks emotions; it bypasses reason
Do you feel guilty in the presence of another person? If the guilt is justified, it’s appropriate to admit your mistake and apologize. A manipulator, however, typically induces guilt in others for their own motives. If you don’t actually understand why you feel this way, it’s possible that you’re being manipulated. A sense of guilt can also arise from a reproachful look (“You’re not going to buy anything after trying on five pairs of shoes?”) or other nonverbal communication. Other forms of manipulation include humiliation, emotional blackmail, and so on. In the end, we don’t even know what happened; all that remains is a feeling of guilt or inferiority.
A manipulator tries to gain the upper hand and a sense of superiority
- “Speak first so I can figure out who you are and find your weaknesses.” Many salespeople use this technique to get to know you. By asking you general and inquisitive questions at the beginning, they have time to form a basic idea of your thinking and behavior, from which they can then assess your strengths and weaknesses. They then respond in a way designed to win you over.
- Overwhelming you with facts and statistics. Some people engage in “intellectual bullying” by posing as experts—for example, in sales or finance—during professional discussions and negotiations. By emphasizing their knowledge and experience, they position themselves to more easily push through their arguments.
- Time pressure during decision-making. This is a common tactic in sales and negotiations. The manipulator pressures you to make a decision before you’re ready. Under pressure and stress, you’re more likely to “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.
- Overwhelming you with procedures and bureaucracy. Some people may use administrative tasks and various processes to maintain their position of authority and make your life more difficult. This technique can also delay the search for facts and accurate information, or cover up mistakes that are not supposed to be revealed.
- Manipulation through silence. Deliberately not responding to your calls, messages, emails, etc. The manipulator gains power by making you wait and trying to sow doubt and uncertainty in your mind.
How to Recognize Manipulation
If they badmouth others in front of me, they’re probably badmouthing me in front of others
If you want to know an easy way to distinguish a manipulator from empathetic people, pay attention to the way they talk about others in relation to you. They will often talk about you behind your back in the same way they talk to you about others. Manipulators are masters of “triangulation”—creating scenarios and dynamics that foster intrigue, rivalry, and jealousy.
Pay attention to actions
Focus on what a person does and how consistent it is with what they say. Observe them without making excuses for them. Are the people who criticize, lecture, or belittle you really as flawless as they pretend to be?
In the second part of this article, we’ll introduce 9 types of manipulators and their classic phrases. What methods do the dictator, the manipulator, or the victim use? And how can you defend yourself against manipulation? Read on to find out.
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